A journey in creativity and faith

Author: Mariane Doktor (Page 7 of 14)

Blessed are they that mourn

It was time to have my teeth examined, and I was anxious if my dental hygienist would find holes in my teeth. As I was about to lie down in the dentist’s chair, she asked me: “you have heard that Susan (my dentist) is not here anymore?”

“What?” I had no idea what she was talking about. “Susan is not here anymore…two weeks ago she died in a very tragic accident”.

For five years I had attended her clinic, she had fixed many holes in my teeth. She was a kind, warm, sweet woman.  Susan was a person you cannot avoid loving. I only knew her from my dentist appointments, but she was a wonderful caring person. We talked about our children, we talked about our lives. She was a woman, who cared. I was safe in her arms, and now she was gone. Her husband and children had lost her too soon. It made no sense, I found no meaning. I had lost a friend.

I dedicate this post to the ones who have lost a loved one.

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A confession and a prayer for healing

Jesus does not criticize the outcast, the sinners or gentiles. No, he criticizes the religious people, the Jews who want to rule, who desire power, who point fingers at other people and say about themselves that they are so holy and good and righteous. They are judgmental and boast about themselves. Are the Pharisees and the scribes a historical phenomenon, or do they exist today?

Many Christians know the Bible well and they easily recognize other people’s sin. I do believe there exist judgmental self-righteous religious Pharisees among the Christians today. I’ve met a few. In fact, there is sitting a Pharisee right beside me. She is not happy to admit that sometimes she accidentally points fingers at other people, sometimes she easily sees other people’s mistakes, and sometimes she grieves the lack of inclusion and love among Christians. Who is she?

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Tears of an exhausted mother and a letter from her best friend

Last night I went to bed accompanied with a headache and two teardrops. The reason for my tears was our guests, who wanted to eat, sleep and live in our kitchen. They did no harm, but  I couldn’t welcome thousands of ants running in circles all over my kitchen floor.

Today I will welcome you into my imperfection. As a wife and a mother I’m often exhausted, tired and worried. I long to have more energy and joy. The times when I do not know when the train will arrive or my destination are the worst.  At this moment, I have to be patient while my son has problems in his school, my daughter’s favorite word is “no”, my husband’s leg is broken, and I’m a recovering  addict of Facebook.

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Have I spent 30 years walking in the fantasy of a fake fata morgana?

The other day we sat at our dinner table, and my son told us about his dreams about becoming a farmer when he has grown up. I asked my 4-year-old daughter what she wanted to become when she becomes an adult. Her answer came as a surprise to me, but before I tell you what she answered, I will tell you what I dreamed about in my childhood and youth.

 Too many dreams

When I was a child and in my youth, I dreamed about being good at something, to have success and to be meaningful to other people. I’ve dreamed about becoming a singer, a dancer, an actress, an artist, a journalist, an author, teacher or a pastor. When theology didn’t work for me, I was educated a kindergarten teacher and deacon, which I later found out was not my dream job. I got the education, but there was no job for me. I dreamed about having a career, but it began to look like a fantasy or that I should wait for I don’t know how long.

When I was a child, I never thought about starting my own family, but some time after I was married and I was about 24 I looked at all my cousins and my siblings who all had children, and I thought “ok, maybe I should also have some children.”

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Come to life

I see my reflection in the shop window.
My limbs are stiff,
I can’t feel my body
I can’t move.
They take the dress of me
pants and blouse instead.
I lose my arm.
A person bumps into me
I lose the other arm and both legs
Where is my head?
Assemble me!
A person screws me together quickly

 

The silence of the closing hours is sneaking
The light is off
Darkness creeps in
The city is empty
I am empty
I’m stiff
I try to move
I hit the window
The glass cracks
A trembling clatter
Glass shatter

 

I fall
My head hits the cold asphalt
I lose my arms and legs again
Iooking at the starry sky

 

A Sound of foot steps approaches
The feet stop at my hair
The man bends down
He puts me together
raises me
A red drop rolls down my leg
I bleed
My limbs are not rigid anymore
I can move my arms and legs
He approaches me
Breathes into my mouth
My chest moves
He looks me in the eye

 

My feet are wet
as standing in a puddle
I want to move the feet
But discover that I’m standing
in the middle of a rippling source
Still water
Trickles out of his body
I bow and take a sip
I breathe
I feel my heart
I am alive

Mannequin

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